


victims of ourselves

by Beastrage



Series: illuminate our stories [6]
Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Gen, He's just kinda lost okay?, Light Angst, Not Canon Compliant - Kingdom Hearts III, So much talking, Talking, Terra is also lost, Xemnas Redemption (Kingdom Hearts), not exactly, the really messed up situation of another person existing because of bad things that happened to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27665615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beastrage/pseuds/Beastrage
Summary: In which Terra has to deal with someone sharing his face. Xemnas persists, despite everything.
Relationships: Terra & Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: illuminate our stories [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1413787
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	victims of ourselves

Xemnas comes to the Land of Departure at the end of it all, uncomfortably gold eyes blinking in the light of the bright sunset. 

It’s honestly the best place to keep him, considering the connection between the Nobody and Terra. 

No one else wants him around, anyway. Well, Terra doesn’t want him around, and he’s pretty sure that both Ven and Aqua don’t, but he really doesn’t have a choice in this. 

(When was the last time he had a choice? Forever, it feels like.)

Even Sora, bright-eyed and always smiling, loses his grin at the mention of Xemnas. And if that isn’t a sign of what Xemnas is really like, then Terra wouldn’t know what else is. 

The blood still trickles from Terra’s nose, after that first meeting. 

When that redhead, Lea, hit Xemnas right in the face, the Nobody stumbling back and bleeding...and Terra had started bleeding too. 

Terrifying, seeing the naked fear in his friends’ eyes. 

Not understanding how this could happen. Why it would happen. 

But life isn’t fair, it seems. Nothing new to a man who spent years locked away in the Dark. Unknowing of what terrible things his friends were going through. 

(Terra despises himself, for his weakness.)

(He hates himself for a lot of things, actually.)

So here they are. 

With a new guest to watch over, to make sure he wasn’t “evil-plotting” as Lea put it.

Terra’s not looking forward to it. 

Xemnas stands there. Completely still, chest barely moving to breath. In one of the Organization’s coats. Watching them. 

“Um...could you maybe wear something else?” Ven is the first to speak up, cautiously eying the Nobody’s black zippered coat. 

The Nobody in question raises his chin. And an eyebrow. “I own nothing else.”

Aqua bites her lip. “Well...” She looks over at Terra. “You have some extra clothes, don’t you?”

The reason behind Terra being able to provide clothes that fit for Xemnas goes unsaid. 

A lot of things are going unsaid. 

They have to, if this coexistence situation is going to work. 

“Um, yeah. Sure.” Terra tries to smile, as he beckons to Xemnas. The Nobody looks at him disdainfully before sweeping past them. Like they’re just ants, in the way. Pests. 

Terra sighs, shoulders slumping. Guess he should hurry in after him. 

“Great.”

What an excellent start this is. 

~

They hardly ever see Xemnas. The Nobody lingers at the edges of the Land of Departure, staying away from them. Almost never attending meals. 

Eating for certain, because no one’s found him passed out from starvation somewhere. But Xemnas stays away, as impossible as the action seems to be in a small world like their home. 

Which fills Terra with a relief he almost feels guilty for. 

Until he runs inevitably runs into the Nobody. 

Xemnas wears the darkest clothes in Terra’s wardrobe. As well as the black leather gloves and boots he refuses to take off. 

The overall effect afterwards, along with his hair, eyes, and skin, makes him look  _ very  _ different from Terra. 

Who can’t help but feel grateful for that. 

“Are you here to put an end to my existence?” 

Terra just has to stop and blink at that. Because...seriously? That’s what he starts with? Out of every other topic in the world...

Terra feels very out of his depth, suddenly. 

“Why are you...like this?”

“You could always execute me, if you wish not to be face to face with reality,” Xemnas provides. Like taking that option wouldn’t end up in his own death. 

“Then I would die too?” Terra tries. Did Xemnas really forget that?

Gold eyes examine him coldly. “I was under the impression that you would be more than happy to sacrifice yourself for the “greater good.” The rest of your allies certainly are.”

Terra swallows and looks down at his hands. 

_ Weak.  _

“I...I can’t leave Aqua and Ven behind.” Not again. 

“Hm.”

Xemnas sweeps away, in that dramatic fashion of his. One he still manages to have even without that black coat adding to it. 

Terra’s never been so dramatic in his life. It’s probably from Xehanort. 

(Like nearly everything else, about Xemnas.)

-

The rest of the week goes something like this: Terra finds Xemnas. They exchange a few words, Xemnas leaves before Terra can really figure out what’s going on in his head. 

It’s...frustrating. 

To say the least. 

“You don’t have to talk to him, Terra,” Aqua suggests one day, feet dangling as she sits on the top of the wall. 

Terra grits his teeth. “I know, but...”

He grunts, shaking his head. What are the words for it? Xemnas doesn’t show any interest in engaging, every conversation they’ve had has been initiated by Terra himself. 

Terra  _ knows,  _ down to his bones, that he doesn’t have to talk to Xemnas. 

Yet...

Some part of him wants to. Wants to understand who’s been dropped in the Land of Departure. 

“I need to understand him,” Terra settles on. “If he’s going to be here, I want to know what he’s like. Otherwise...he’s just a stranger. And that’s...”

Weird. 

Aqua hums, giving him a nod. “Alright.”

It’s good to have that trust of hers.

(Though he doesn’t deserve it.)

“It’s nearly nightfall, go find Ven,” Aqua says. Shivering as she rises to her feet, moving to go inside. 

Once she adored nights, loved the stars. 

Now...she can’t even bear to be in a room with the lights turned off. 

(They all have their scars.)

“Alright.”

Off he goes. 

But Terra doesn’t find Ven first. No, it’s  _ Xemnas  _ first. 

He’s on the edges of the training field. Face turned towards Ven training in the center, like a sunflower chasing the sun. 

First reaction:  _ panic.  _

“Hey, what are you doing!?”

Xemnas doesn’t respond but Ven sure does, giving a surprised cry when he turns to see exactly who's watching him. 

“Ven, go inside,” Terra calls out, keeping a careful eye out. As he walks closer. 

“Terra, I-”

“Go.” 

Surprisingly, Ven does, his blue eyes darting between the two of them before he in turn darts inside. 

Terra’s shoulders relax as Xemnas makes no move to follow. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Gold eyes glow as they turn towards Terra in the lowlight of the coming dusk. 

Terra can’t help but flinch back, at the sight. Too many memories, too much. 

A frown(?) tugs at Xemnas’ face, almost in response. “He looks like Roxas.”

Roxas? Oh right, Sora’s Nobody. Who exists as independent from Sora as Xemnas does from Xehanort. 

And looks like Ventus, almost exactly. A much closer resemblance than Xemnas has to Terra, though it’s pretty close still. 

“Yeah, something about Sora’s Heart interacting with Ven’s, I think they said.” 

“Like yours and that of my Somebody.”

Terra resists the urge to look away, going instead to scratch at the back of his head. 

“Like that, I guess.”

Should he say something else? Xemnas hasn’t made any moves, aggressive or otherwise, and now Terra feels awkward for having come over at all. 

“You despise me.” A flat observation, like they’re just talking about the weather. 

Terra flinches. Again. He’s been doing that a lot recently, not just around Xemnas but...everyone. 

Ven either hasn’t noticed or pretends not to, but he shakes, at times. Aqua looks at him with sad eyes and looks embarrassed whenever her turn to flinch comes. 

Broken, the three of them. 

“No,” is his instinctive response. 

Xemnas tilts his head. “Really.” Unbelieving. 

“No, really, I don’t,” Terra insists. True, though Terra’s never really thought about it before. He doesn’t  _ hate  _ Xemnas, not like other people on the side of Light who have good reason to. 

No, his response is for something else entirely. A reason Terra attempts to put into words. About something he’s never talked about with anyone before. 

But maybe Xemnas may understand. For the same reason Terra hasn’t talked about it. 

The words are hard, but he forces them out. 

“You...you remind me of...not just him, but...”

The horror of his body moving but not under his command. The pain of fighting and fighting. Only to fail. 

Not even able to take a breath on his own. Not without  _ his  _ allowance. 

The  _ violation.  _

“Your loss.” Those lips, twisting with apparent distaste. “I understand.”

“Do you?” Terra can’t help but ask. Does Xemnas even have the ability, the basic  _ human empathy  _ required to understand?

“...your ongoing reactions to me force me to. As have interactions with...others.”

Xemnas looks away. 

“People from the Organization, right?”

Eyes flick back to Terra, surprised. Terra frowns. Look, he’s not  _ stupid _ , okay? Just...he didn’t spend a lot of time looking for lies, before the Mark of Mastery Exam that changed everything. 

(Dumb of him.)

Not stupid, but stupid enough to ask the next question that comes to mind. 

“Do you miss them?”

That dark mirror of his face twists. “No.” The answer is short. Curt, as Xemnas stands up. Turns his back and leaves. Heading back to well-light Castle. 

Oops. 

But Terra’s seen that expression on his own face in the mirror before. What it means...

Regret.

Huh.

~

Their next conversation is one that Xemnas starts himself, surprisingly. 

Terra’s out by himself, tending to the garden. Feels good to do hard work with his own two hands. Digging in the dark soil makes him alive, in a way he hasn’t for a long long time. 

Should wear gloves. But the scratchy-ness of the weeds feels good, better than the nothing Terra went through for over a decade. 

Maybe he should care more, since Xemnas is apparently connected to him. Experiences the same hurts Terra does. But the Nobody hasn’t complained yet. Until then, Terra will continue ripping weeds out of the ground as they rip at his skin. 

He forces himself not to react to the shadow cast over him from behind. “What is it?”

“I do not want your face,” Xemnas says, straight out.

Wait, what? Where did that come from? 

Surprising enough that Terra physically turns to face the Nobody. Who looks...somehow nervous? Even with his face in the same usual passiveness. 

Gloved fingers dig into the fabric of a pant leg. “I do not want  _ others  _ looking at me, and thinking of you first. Anymore than you desire such an occurrence.”

Silver hair shivers as he shakes his head. 

“It is regretful, that we are tied together like this.”

“Well.” Terra’s not sure what to say to that. Glad we’re on the same page? Happy you’re apparently as miserable as I am? 

But it’s not true. Not really. Terra isn’t happy that Xemnas is...like this.

He’d rather the man not be around at all, so he doesn’t have to face him. Face what happened. 

But here they are. 

Having to deal with the sins of their elders. Of one elder in particular. 

Terra rises from his squat, brushing off his hands on his pants. “There’s nothing we can do about it.”

Unfortunately. 

“Just live with it.”

Terra’s been living with a lot of things, lately. Doesn’t get any easier. 

“Yes,” Xemnas agrees. 

His eyes are getting unnerving again. 

(When are they not?)

“Are the Somebodies born with a purpose?” The non-sequitur comes out of nowhere. 

“Uh, not really?” Terra tries, “We pick one later. Like me and Aqua wanting to become Keyblade Masters.”

A goal he still has to accomplish. 

“Not like Nobodies, then. We are made for a purpose.”

“And your purpose was to help Xehanort?” Terra’s not sure if to judge that or not. 

“Yes.” 

Xemnas continues. His next words are not really a defense. 

“Everything I have ever had, I had to twist and control.  _ Nothing  _ has been given to me.” The twist of those lips, the blankness in those gold eyes as Xemnas stares at something only he can see. “Nothing,” he repeats, softly. 

“That didn’t give you the right to hurt anyone,” Terra gently points out. He’s overheard  _ things  _ from the people who used to be “Nobodies.” About the awfulness of ten years in the Dark. 

Some part (maybe every part) of Terra can relate to that. 

But another part hurts because he can’t help but think about the entire mess. Terra  _ hurt his own teacher  _ with Darkness. After years and years of trusting him,  _ loving  _ him, Terra had turned on his teacher just like that, using Darkness. 

What would a newborn person do, left alone in the Dark? With no one to teach them better?

Terrible things, it seemed. 

Especially if they were told from the very start, to work for someone else. Someone terrible. 

Terra puts those thoughts aside as the Nobody continues to speak. 

“I exist only because he stole your body from you. I...” For once, Xemnas doesn’t seem to know what to say. 

The Nobody isn’t wrong. That is the only reason he exists, because over a decade ago, a Master that Terra  _ trusted  _ decided that he needed a new body for his own selfish uses. 

To start a  _ war.  _

A war that would have ended in Xemnas’ death as well, Terra suddenly realizes, had Xehanort gotten his way. 

The death of his own allies, as well as everyone who opposed him. 

Terra almost laughs. It comes out as a choking cough, really. 

Xemnas looks over at him again. “What is it?”

Attempting to sound commanding but only managing a bland sort of curiosity instead. 

“What was the point?” he asks. Because he  _ has  _ to ask, now that he’s thought of it. “Why help Xehanort, if you didn’t get anything out of it?”

A long, slow blink. “What else was there?”

_ What else was there.  _

Terra swallows. His chest aches. “What do you want to do now?”

Xemnas tilts his head. “What?”

“What do you want to do now?” Terra repeats. It’s a valid question and one that Xemnas clearly hasn’t considered, by the way he blinks. 

Getting emotions off Xemnas can be hard, but manageable with enough practice. Like Terra has, at this point. 

Right Xemnas is... _ lost.  _ Very lost. Probably been lost this entire time and Terra’s just figured it out. 

“...perhaps, you could assist,” Xemnas says in a low voice. 

It’s the closest he’s ever come to a cry for help. But.

It is one. 

A quiet, half-hearted cry, a bit prideful, but still one. 

Should Terra help? 

He’s been burned by that before, helping the wrong people. 

But.

He  _ wants  _ to. 

Terra offers a hand. 

After several long moments, Xemnas takes it. 

Whatever this is...it’s a start. 

**Author's Note:**

> Terra is in an interesting spot, I think, of sharing the same face as Xemnas but being one of the individuals among the Good Guys who has suffered the least as a direct result of the Nobody.  
> Why not have them interact?  
> (I also want to do an Ansem piece, sometime, in this same universe. But interacting with someone other than Riku. Who shall it be? hmm.)
> 
> There’s just something really messy, about the existence of Xemnas and Ansem. Interesting to think that Xehanort created these new individuals from himself, like Sora did with Roxas and Namine, but these individuals never really acknowledged themselves as independent from Xehanort. Though they quite clearly were.  
> So pretentious. So villainous. But did Xemnas wake up as clueless as Roxas? Did Ansem wander around in the Dark with nowhere to go, like tiny Shadow Sora?  
> Did they ever have a chance to be anything other than what Xehanort expected them to be?  
> I think about those things and it almost hurts.  
> Thanks for listening to my ridiculous TED talk, by the way. Unless you didn’t. That’s okay too.  
> Comments are appreciated. As are kudos.


End file.
